It has been an interesting 3 weeks since the day my Trevor was taken from me. I have struggled harder with his sudden death than anything before in my entire life. Friends and family say that this may be the hardest thing I ever have to go through and I pray that they are right.
I haven’t decided what form this new chapter will take on the blog. I am planning a new future that looks completely different from the old one but this blog is still the center. Even among my grief I feel the need to share with all of you the different struggles I am going through.
Soon we will get back to home decor and crafts (I did a Cricut craft today for the monthly craft & create with cricut challenge I am part of!) but in the middle of the decorating and the crafting I believe there will be a bit of grief on this little blog of mine. I know the only thing that has helped me this far is reading other people stories, their grief, their testimony. Knowing I am not alone and I am not crazy.
So if every so often you see a post on grief that does not resonate with you feel free to move on to the next post… it’s probably about visually balancing a room or setting up your new travelers notebook!
Today I wanted to talk a bit about how I know my Trevor is still taking care of me. It’s a strange topic because up until 3 weeks ago I never believed in any of this. I don’t know what to call it exactly. His presence? His spirit?
I wish he were here but he has come to see me so many times, I love it when he visits and wish he could stay. 3 separate times I have felt his arms come around me in a comforting hug. The first time was the day he passed. I spent the day in a fog.
Up was down and left was right. I remember crying and screaming… nothing seemed real. Through it all I felt a strange presence to my right, pressed right up against me. Honestly I thought it was my head being stopped up from crying so much. There was so much pressure in my brain I couldn’t think!
After a while I thought it was a void… like someone had cut off my arm and taken it away from me. Well they had cut off my Trevor and taken him away so maybe it was the void of him missing. I mentioned it to my mom in the car on the way to her house that evening and she said something I never considered… I bet it’s Trevor. He would never leave you. I bet he’s been by our side all day.
Y’all, I never would have believed it but his arms wrapped around me and squeezed. He hugged me. He was there. He never left my side. Throughout the day he was always there. He came to me right around the time the cops showed up at my door that morning and stayed with me throughout the day until I finally fell asleep.
The funny thing is that people in my family are always night owls, we stay up all night and rarely wake early. The accident itself was around 5:50am though and my mom says her eyes flew open right at 5:50 and no matter how hard she tried she could not go back to sleep. She thinks he came to get her after the accident… she’s a hard sleeper and typically if I call her in the morning the phone will not wake her. I called her though… right after the cop knocked on my door and she answered on the first ring. I think he knew I’d need her and went to wake her up. He made sure she was awake and ready to answer the phone when I called her.
The next time he came to visit me was the day of his funeral. I remember feeling like he was there every time I saw him, the day after his accident, the day of the visitation, the morning of the funeral.
We walked in the church though and I stood in the front pew. I looked at the casket and remember thinking he’s not there anymore he’s here with me. Y’all I felt something touch my shoulder and I looked around but no one was there.
Slowly an arm slid down around my waist and I asked “Trevor is that you?” and he squeezed. So hard my side and left hip HURT. I have terrible hips from dance and cheer-leading and Trevor knew that, he knew never to touch my bad hip because the slightest touch hurts like crazy. He did that day though he squeezed so hard I almost sat down from the pain. I don’t know how… it’s crazy the things I never would have believed, I believe them now. He’s with me. He stayed with me for the entire ceremony. Holding me up.
Of course, I think my favorite signs are my flowers. Stargazer lilies were our wedding flower and my absolute flower of all time. Trevor was always buying them for me, anniversary’s, birthdays, just because.
At the funeral all of the flowers were blue and orange for his Broncos (boy loved his Broncos!) and there in the middle of all the orange and blue was a huge bouquet of stargazer lilies from his work… I asked his boss if he ever told her they were our wedding flower and she said no they were out of orange and blue so she just asked the florist for pretty flowers.
They were from my Trevor, I know it. He knew I was hurting and he found a way to send me a beautiful bouquet of lilies. I loved those flowers so two days ago when my mom had to throw away the stargazer lilies because they had died I fell apart. I was hysterical and was crying over the stupid flowers so the next day Mom took me to hobby lobby on the way home to cheer me up.
When we came home there on the piano was a new bouquet of lilies! My brother said the florist had delivered them while we were out, my uncle from a few states over ordered “pretty girl flowers she would like” and the florist put together a new bouquet of lilies.
My Trevor may not be here physically but he’s still taking care of me. He never could stand to see me cry. He may not always be delivering flowers and holding my waist but I know he’ll always be here.
I don’t know how much of this will resonate with all of you and there are more signs I have seen. Private things I’ll keep just for me and my love but I want to share this with you. Love never dies, it just changes. I hope that someday our story may help someone else going through this horrible process.
My heart feels like it has been wrenched apart, beaten, bruised, run over… but reading other peoples stories helps. I am not alone and neither are you. If our story helps even one other person then I am glad I have written it.
I love you Trevor, thank you for the lilies.
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