Today has been exactly one month since it happened. Since I started dealing with grief. Since a drunk driver came along and took my husband from me. I miss him everyday, I never stop looking for him even though my brain tells me he’s no where to be found.
I still struggle and I know that I will for quite a while… weeks, months, years. There are days that will always be hard. December 17th: the day it happened. July 10th: his birthday. May 17th: Our Wedding Anniversary.
I get up in the morning and life is not the same, I try to keep moving forward but sometimes feeling gets in the way. There are things that help though. Things that don’t help. I’m not an expert but I thought I would write them down… honestly keeping things straight in my own mind helps but it may also help someone else who’s close to someone struggling.
Although everyone’s grief is different here is my story:
It helps so much when friends and family call or text to check in on me. Thoughts and prayers really do make a difference… they help me to feel less alone.
It doesn’t help when you ask what I’m doing next or what my plan is. I know you’re just trying to help and you’re curious… you don’t know what to say. But here’s the thing. I don’t have a plan… my plan was to grow old with Trevor and up until a month ago I didn’t know I needed a plan B. I’ll let you know when I have a plan, until then just talk to me about him, about me, about you but don’t ask for a plan.
It helps when you talk about him. He is my entire world and even if I don’t show it every second of the day I’m always thinking about him. Friends have sent me stories of him I didn’t know or photos I didn’t have… I love it when you do this! I won’t make new memories with Trevor so please share the ones you have with me.
It doesn’t help when you ignore the subject… I know you don’t want to upset me or make me cry. Sometimes I cry, know that’s ok. But I don’t want to forget him or lock his memory away in some deep dark basement. Even when it’s hard I want to talk about him.
I go from 0 to 360 in the blink of an eye. Sometimes I’m fine and sometimes I’m sobbing hysterically and it only takes seconds to make the switch. It can be over something as silly as seeing a fun young couple at Kohl’s or making taco’s and realizing he’s not here to eat massive amounts of sour cream. It helps when you let me cry, crying isn’t bad or shameful it just is. It’s part of the process. Ask me if I’m ok, give me a tissue, I’ll be ok in a while.
Or as ok as I am these days.
I don’t know when I’ll be better… honestly it may take a while and here’s the kicker. All of this advice? It’s subjective. Some people need to throw themselves into their work, be around people. Others need solitude, quite time to reflect. As far as I can tell neither is wrong but different people grieve differently.
My advice? Be the friend who calls. Be the friend who stops by with brownies to chat. Invite them out for a movie and then realize that going out may be too difficult. They’ve lost the person they sit on the couch with to watch tv, they’ve lost the person they go grocery shopping with, they’ve lost the person they go to restaurants with. Doing all of these things alone is daunting but it may take a little while before they’re ready to do them.
Be there when they’re ready.
I’ve never really experienced loss like this before, I don’t know how I would of reacted before. I probably would have asked what their plan was, avoided talking about anything remotely tear-inducing and tried to stop the tears as soon as they started.
I know I’ll be a bit more understanding the next time I’m confronted with loss. Unfortunately now that I understand what it feels like to lose someone I have so much empathy for anyone else in my position.
If you’re on your own loss journey please share below, I am so sorry sweetheart. I wish I could bring them back for you. Share what helps you, what has helped others and maybe… just maybe we can get through this together.
I miss you honey, I love you so much.
Always and forever.
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Continued prayer for you, sweet girl!
I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome to the club to which no one wants to belong and to which everyone does some day. Your post is right on the money and gives sound advice. Please take extra special care of yourself right now and do what feels right for you in the moment . If you want to cry then please do so… it is only love leaking out , so nothing wrong with that. Also please keep writing for us as well as for yourself.
I am deeply sorry for your loss. I too lost my husband of 22 years. We had 3 daughters ranging in age from 11 up to 23, he was murdered by someone he thought was a friend and it has been over a year of waiting on the court system to schedule a hearing. It will be very hard and frustrating for you but you will get stronger each day. I am mad because of little things that I used to depend on him like fixing a leak or preparing for a hurricane or realizing my girls are depending on me and only me, and it scares me but somehow I have learned to make major decisions on my own and it empowers me. And I have met a wonderful man and he came into our lives and he has helped me to do things I would not have ever done like start a antique booth and we are thinking of starting a blog. And like you said, everyone grieves differently and don’t be afraid of trying new things, your husband would be proud of you. My heart goes out to you and I am living proof life does get better with each day.
Thank you so much for your sweet words Julia, I am so sorry for your loss. It is very difficult to do the things he use to do… I’m still trying to figure out how to re-light the pilot light that’s always going out. Thank you for the hope, good luck on your journey
I’m sorry for your loss. The words you opened with stopped me in my tracks. I lost my dad, a month shy of his 64th. My mom is a widow now. They knew each other since they were 13 years old, married since 17. I adored my dad and now I find that I grieve for me and I feel pain for her. I haven’t lost my husband so it’s different loss for me, but it’s been a great loss and my heart is still broken.. I see now how people respond to my grief. I’ve been surprised at times by the response. People aren’t always good at being supportive. This happened in March last year. Sometimes I feel at peace and sometimes I cry again. I’ve dreamt of him the last two nights. And my loss does not compare to my mom’s. They were best friends, joined at the heart. I can’t imagine the depts of your grief and don’t mean to compare, but my heart goes out to you and I you will be in my prayers.
Shannon, I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know why people compare grief for no grief is good, all pain is hurtful. I am so sorry you are hurting. Thank you so much for your kind words, they mean more than you’ll ever know
I am so sorry! You have been on my mind since you shared the story. I ask God to give you strength to get through this. With the loss of a loved one, only the passing of time will ease the pain. My heart goes out to you and I will keep you in my prayers. Warmest regards.
I still tear up anytime I hear you mention him or you cross my mind. I know nothing can change the circumstances but I do love to hear you talk about him when I check in with you. I love to hear your stories of him and see little snippets of videos you post. There’s no doubt what you had, the life you created together was beautiful and so filled with love.
I don’t know what God’s plan is in this, or if you believe in Him or if you are mad at Him and that’s all okay. What I do know is that your love story with Trevor shines bright, even now. Be upset, cry, laugh and keep the memories alive. Keep shining your love and know if you need anything at all, i’m always here.
xo
I am thinking of you Betsy. I have found that grief has ebbs and flows like you describe going from 0 to 360, and while your sorrow will surely never go away, one day you might find you’ve cried a little bit less that day or week, or you actually had fun going out with friends, or you can listen to the radio without having a meltdown. Wishing you those little moments. You are in my prayers and the thoughts of the whole blogging community.