Dealing with Grief: 3 Months Without Trevor

It’s been a long week… I’ve never been the kind of person to go to bed early. My brain works best at night and I’m typically working until one or two in the morning. Of course, in the last 3 months since you’ve been gone one or two in the morning has turned into 3 or 4 in the morning. The productive evenings have turned into tossing and turning… trying to get to sleep with little to no success.

3 months is a strange mile marker for me… I find myself being overwhelmed easier than ever. Checking items off my checklist every single day is becoming harder and harder… I can only accomplish one item and then I need a break. Over the course of a day I can get one or two things done where before I could work a full time job and then work on the blog all evening.

In addition to being so overwhelmed I find myself missing you more. Since the day we met we’ve never been apart this long. I’ve never gone this long without seeing you… I never went more than 24 hours without talking to you. I want you to come through the door more than I want to breathe. Simple overwhelming incidents turn into full on panic attacks when I realize I’m by myself and you’re not there to hug me. I miss you so much sweet pea.

Songs on the radio remind me of you and the sadness starts. Strange television shows like “Sex and the City” make me think of you… when Big looks at Carrie all I can see is your face. They walk hand in hand around New York and the spaces between my fingers miss you. I see families at the park and I think of what should have been… we had so many dreams that will never come to be.

Over the last few weeks several of my family and friends have sent me the same exact message. It’s a facebook image that speaks about the loss of a partner… it hits all of the points so I thought I would share it with you.

While my brain is having a hard time getting back to work I’m spending most of my time learning a few new mediums: hand lettering and watercolor. I’ve been practicing hand lettering since Haven last year but not on a steady basis… I’m enjoying getting back to the creative side of life and playing around with paints.

Although I’m using these Arteza watercolor pens instead of traditional paints… but these little guys are so much cleaner! Plus I snapped them up during an Amazon lightning deal so they were a great price… I absolutely love them. I just wish I had picked the 96 piece set instead of the 48 piece set… it was an even better price!

My art supplies have grown drastically in the last few weeks as I work on new techniques and practice, practice, practice! I just ordered a little table top easel so that I can set up a work space (working on the floor isn’t quite cutting it for me anymore!). I bought a drafting table at a yard sale years ago and never used the darn thing! The bro and I went out to the barn hoping to find it but I must have gotten rid of it at some point because it was no where to be found. So instead I hit the internet to look for a new drafting table/easel… one that was small and inexpensive but still large enough to work on every day.

I can’t wait for this little walnut easel to get here… it has good reviews and for forty bucks it’s a great price. Mainly I love the drawers… I need a good space to put small pieces to dry instead of on the floor. I’ll share my art set up once it arrives… I can’t wait!

I’m still perfecting my hand lettering… the swirls are the hardest part. I can’t always figure out exactly where they go! Muscle memory takes time to build though so I’m slowly getting there.

I have a few plans for these new skills of mine so we’ll see how it goes… in the meantime I’m really enjoying painting again. I can’t wait to get better and better so that I can paint things with more detail! Of course, the hardest part of my new hobby is that I can’t share it with the hubby. He always loved when I sat down to draw and was so excited over my early “practicing” pieces!

In the meantime I am really enjoying spending a little time with my brushes and paints… even if all my quotes tend to be on the sentimental-I-miss-you-more-than-life side.

Miss you babe.