Dealing with Grief: 6 Months Without Trevor

I don’t think I’ve ever been away from the blog for this long… it’s been alllllmost two months since I’ve been faithfully writing every week. I did a small bout of writing last month and then May 17th hit and it was all downhill from there.

I knew the summer would be hard… let’s face it there are so many dates all in a row that it’s hard to process them all. May 17th is our wedding anniversary and the 5th anniversary of his death, May 30th is my little brothers birthday, June 20th is my birthday and coming up shortly is his birthday: July 10th.

So all of the days come fast one after the other. My birthday was particularly difficult… even with my family close around me it’s not the same as having my hubby here to do all of the little tiny things. It’s amazing how many inside jokes and activities you take for granted until the other half of your soul is gone and you’re the only one who knows about the little things.

No one knows what a moonaise is, no one wished me a happy day before your birthday or even a happy day before the day before your birthday… there’s a million little things we did together or spoke with just one look. But now instead of a shared secret or an inside joke I’m just a secret keeper.

It’s like when you tell a funny story and it falls flat because you just had to be there except it’s our entire life and I’m the only one left who finds the story funny.

Of course, it’s also been hard working on the antique booth without him. It was our dream to add an antique booth to the blog as a physical extension of the business and having that dream come true without him here to see it with his own eyes sucks.

It just plain sucks.

If he were here he would be helping us build the booth, helping me paint the pieces, helping me go around to these sketchy places and pick up the pieces. The very last day we spent together we were painting a bookcase and desk for my office so spending time painting a few of these large pieces by myself was a little bittersweet.

I haven’t had to completely paint a piece by myself for a looooong time… if I had four chairs to paint I knew Trevor would paint two of them. We just did everything together.

I miss my partner in crime, it’s hard not to have that partner I could always count on. If I had a big project all I had to do was text him and say “hey honey I need your help with this project before work tomorrow” and that was it. He would help.

Heck half the time he’d take completely over like he did with our kitchen makeover... he was so excited to use that tile saw!

Of course, it’s even harder when it comes to picking things up for the booth. For the most part my Mom or brother goes with me to pick up anything that needs picking up but last week I had to stop by a house to pick up a few pieces and y’all this place was sooooo sketchy.

I honestly should have just kept driving but the lady was standing by her mailbox and I just couldn’t do it. The whole time I was there I was so uncomfortable and honestly I just felt so unsafe. I haven’t felt unsafe in the longest time… I always knew that no matter what happened if I needed Trevor he would drop whatever he was doing and come help me.

The man was so protective he didn’t like to leave the house at night let alone go somewhere unknown by myself. I miss that all encompassing feeling of safety that I had when he was never far away.

There are so many new things in my life that I want to share with him. My succulents, my new fish tank… I know he would be excited about these little fish since he loved animals so much.